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Monday, September 12, 2011

Adventures of Ace - It's Complicated

Written by Ace Vanderhan (Cebu)

Call me ace, 22 years old.
I've lived in the same neighborhood for 21 years. We just moved recently. I'm writing this story because I miss the guy that I loved.

I already knew I was gay when I was still a kid. I cried in my aunt's wedding when I was three years old. The reason? I was not allowed to wear the pretty red dress my flower girl sister wore. I grew up in downtown cebu, not really a great place to grow up. All my friends were guys, we played the usual things that kids used to play. Hide and seek, tag, all that. Even if they constantly teased me about being gay. I didn't mind at all, they still treated me as a straight guy. They'd invite me to watch porn in their houses. I'd go most of the time. Just to watch them, they'd tease me too. But I never did have feelings for any of them. But there was this one kid that we really teased a lot, just  because he was fat. I'll call him Pooh, he was fat but cute, from a chinese family. I didn't mind a him a lot. I wouldn't tease him because our parents were close.


So I started going to school, in an all boys catholic school. I had a few crushes here and there. They never knew I was gay, I acted straight. Since I never had gay friends. At home or in school. I got busy with first year in high school and rarely hanged out with most of my friends. Then I learned how to play pc games. I hanged out at the pc shop nearby, it was when I started to notice Pooh. He was no longer the fat kid we used to tease. He was tall, he wasn't fat anymore, part of their school's basketball varsity. He was still cute. I started just hanging out with him, there was this big lounge chair in the shop which was where people waiting for vacancies would sit, while facing a big tv. I got to talk to him. We just sat there and talked for almost 2 hours. Most of the time I was just listening. He wasn't the same anymore, he already had an air of a school bully, he was boyishly cute. I didn't notice that it was getting late, when I was just about to say goodbye, he suddenly told me, "lets hang out tomorrow same time."

Sure enough, we talked again. I just felt easy being with him, even though most of the time I just listened to him brag about his basket ball games, the guys he fought with, the girls who had crushes on him. I hardly noticed that a year had gone by. We still hanged out in the same shop, I realized that we wouldn't play games unless we were beside each other. We'd keep laughing. We'd play 1 on 1, counter strike, star craft. We'd keep reminding each other how our score was, who was better. I would pretend to bump my head on his shoulder to distract his game play, even though I just liked to smell him. He always had that smell of mossimo  I never realized that we already had our own world. I didn't hang out with anyone else but him. My crush on him just kept building up every day. I'd always miss him, even if we are neighbors and even though I see him every night. I kept thinking how I would tell him that I had already began to like him so much.

For two years we continued as best friends, I held back all the romantic feelings I had. It was fine with being friends. I did want to lose what I already had. I've never been in a romantic relationship before. I had no idea what to do. Then one day, we were just casually playing then I teased him that he didn't take a bath. I was surprised when he told me to smell his hair just to prove that he did take a bath. As I was about to  smell his hair, he bumped his head on my nose and lips, it was my first accidental kiss. He must have not felt it because he just laughed. It just surprised me the next day that he told me to smell his hair again. He then smelled my hair and told me I didn't take a bath (which isn't true). It just became a habit that I'd smell(kiss) his hair every time. He didn't mind at all. I was happy, just being able to do that. As another year passed, I never noticed that we were growing even more closer. We still played at the pc shop beside each other. I did not realize that I had already started to put my head on his shoulders while playing. He didn't mind me doing that. So I started to become more daring.

I must have been on drugs because one time, instead of smelling his hair. I kissed his forehead. I looked at his face, he was clearly surprised. He just stared at me for a bit, he then slightly punched my head and called me stupid. I didn't know how to react, so I just faked a laugh. He also laughed with me. So I thought we were still okay. I started testing how much of it he would tolerate. If was first at the shop I'd sneak up behind him and cup my hands around his eyes. He would be really be annoyed because it always disturbed his nba games. Then I would give him a usual kiss on his hair. He never complained or told me to stop it and I became more daring, started to explore the limits of his tolerance. So I started kissing him on his shoulders. Since he always wears his basketball shirts. I would always get to see those well shaped flawlessly white shoulders. He still didn't mind that. When I wasn't able to get a seat. I'd just be standing behind his back. I'd mess up his hair, give him massages on his shoulders or tickle him.

We never talked about our feelings, so I was never sure how I should act or how to feel. Every time we meet at the internet cafe, I would hug him. Even if other people saw us, we didn't care. Even if there were people at our backs whispering how I was kissing his hair every time I was killed in counter strike. Anyone looking at us would think that he was my boyfriend. We would always argue about every little thing. I would usually help him write his notes and reports. He was always busy practicing for his basket ball games at school. Almost always I would write in cursive, which was barely readable to annoy him. I would secretly put smiley's and hearts on his notebooks, he would punch me lightly when he would find them.

One day, we had a big fight. I couldn't remember the reason. But it was something very small which we both turned into a big issue.
He told me that "I will never admit that you are my...(he paused for a bit, like he was trying to find the word to say) That we are friends"

So I shouted back, FINE!!, Me too. I'll never admit that I know you. So I just stormed out. I came back to the pc shop the next day. Pooh was there, yet I never spoke to him. I would tell the shop attendant to please tell Pooh that I'm not speaking to him anymore, even though he could hear me just fine . He would also do the same. We acted like kids. Then suddenly, I just decided to quit it. I rarely came to play at the shop. Even though I would still constantly see him since we were neighbors. I never spoke a word to him for five months. What made us talk again was, DOTA. They always needed people to play on teams. We both played against each other. We would both keep hunting each other. We would keep on shouting how each of us didn't know how to play. Or shout boooo when one of us died.

In the end, I began talking to him again. I didn't say sorry but. hugged him tight I buried my face on his chest and I almost cried, yet I held back my tears and kissed him on the forehead and punched him really hard on the shoulders, he punched me even harder. We took turns punching each other because we quarreled over something so small. I laughed after that, even though we both had little bruises. He hugged me and lifted me, and hugged me even tighter. We never really talked about how we felt, but I always made sure that I could express it in actions. There was this one time, it was raining heavily outside so Pooh suddenly just pushed me into the rain. I got wet instantly. I was annoyed and a little mad. So I grabbed him and dragged him into the rain with me. He had the crazy idea of jogging in the rain. So I ran with him around the block. Then we sat down by the gutter panting, wet and cold. We talked about the most random of things. That was one the moments I would always remember.

Since we were already near his house. I asked him if it was okay if I could use their bathroom. He just lead me there and we both took a bath. He just took off his shirt and I also took off mine. It was my first time seeing his body this close. He had lean and well defined muscles. He had perfectly flawless white skin. He knew I was staring and smiled, but we just continued showering together. After that when were about to get out. He went outside the door first. Then in the heat of the moment, I hugged his completely naked back. I kissed his soft neck and flawless shoulders. He paused, he didn't say anything yet I could feel that his heart was racing just like mine. I could feel his body getting hotter and red spots forming on his cheeks. This was our first intimate moment together. I'll never forget it. I stopped myself before things got more complicated. Before I said goodnight. I kissed him on his forehead and I just put my lips on his head for a minute. He didn't move. I said thank you and ran towards our house. I was so happy that night, I couldn't sleep. I kept replaying in my head the moment I kissed his back. He was so vulnerable and open. It seemed like he was waiting for me to act. But fear overcame me. I kept on regretting that I never took that chance to take it a step up.

Four years had already passed. We were so used to each other, that Pooh already knew whether I was about to kiss his hair or his shoulder or his back. He'd tease me by moving his head away. It would only annoy me and I'd tease him more I would hold his head down and kiss him so many times  on his hair, neck and bite his ears. If he was playing dota and I wasn't. I'd sometimes sit beside him, and I would put my arms around him. I'd stay in that position for more than ten minutes. We had a really deep physical connection, without getting very sexual

There was a time, when he failed one of his subjects. So I told him, that we'd have a drink. We just sat outside. On the gutter, in front of the pc shop. Two big bottles of red horse and two glasses. We had a contest who could drink more. We were already on our second beers. The shop attendant went outside to smoke, he talked with us for a bit. Out of the blue he suddenly asked what we were, I was drunk but still composed. He was referring to what our relationship status was. I told him we are just neighbors, Pooh looked at me and he told the guy that we are friends. The shop attendant, asked again.

We just both went silent, we both didn't know what our status would be. I could describe it as, more than friends, less than lovers but still in love with each other. I was almost ready to throw up. I had enough beer. So I just asked Pooh that we should go home. I accompanied him to his house. While he was fumbling for keys to the gate. I grabbed his right hand, held it tightly. I used my left arm to put around his neck. I dragged his face down to my level and kissed his soft red lips. I just stayed like that for a few seconds. But to me It felt like an hour. I let go of his neck. He looked a bit dazzled, he just stared at me. He squeezed my right hand too. Then proceeded to kiss me back. I explored his mouth a little bit with my tongue. Licked his soft innocent lips. It felt like heaven, I was delirious and drunk. I just kissed and kissed his lips, like it was more important than breathing. We couldn't stop ourselves. I had to pause because I ran out of breath. I was already breathing heavily. I let go of his right hand and I hugged him so tight. He hugged me back. Then I kissed his forehead and said goodnight. The next day, I felt somewhat awkward. He was already playing NBA when I arrived at the pc shop. I softly kissed his hair. He turned his head around and just smiled. I sat beside him. Gave him a hug, and kissed his shoulders. We didn't talk too much about last night.

Our relationship never really got beyond the kiss and hugs. We shared a deep connection but it was more emotional than sexual. We'd act like kids when around each other, we'd keep on arguing about little things and laugh afterwards. We'd go on mini dates to buy things or eat outside or watch a movie. We'd bathe in the rain together, I would go see his games if I didn't have classes. Even if he's had several girlfriends already. I didn't care for any of that. As long as we were with each other, all we would think about was us. We've been in this relationship since we were high school, It continued for 9 years. We've shared ups and downs. Yet we never really had a serious quarrel. Talking wasn't really much of what we would do. Most of the time, I would just be beside him.


Its been a year since I left, yet I keep on missing him. I can still talk to him, but I can't be with him for now. We both weren't really talkers. I'd just sit beside him and he would just play. I would randomly kiss him while he was busy, and he'd just smile. Its those little moments that I miss the most. Up until now, I've never really had it in me to look for another person that might fill this gap. I'd always remember the cute fat kid my friends used to tease. The chinito kid that grew up handsome, boyish and proud. The person, I never realized I'd have a complicated relationship with.


 Hope that you weren't bored with my story, I just felt like I had to write it somehow. Even if people can't understand it, still is a relief to write about the experience.

Thank you.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

very nice story. :))

Anonymous said...

OMG. I liked your story. I can somehow relate to it. I have a guy best friend too, whom I would always wrestle around and hold his hands tight. Randomly, I also give him hugs and playful tickles. Sadly, we don't have a relationship like yours. You're fortunate! I hope someone will fill the gap in you soon.

Anonymous said...

nice story....love it....

Anonymous said...

one of the best stories i have ever read. you made me cry and remember how it felt like to be in love, with your best friend. thank you! ;p

Anonymous said...

i feel a little envious. i wish i have a story like yours. i wish my bestfriend also feels the same way as what i am feeling towards him.

Anonymous said...

aaw. a very touching story. very nice. :) i am hoping for a happy ending, that you and your bestfriend will soon be together. Good luck and don't lose hope. true love waits. :) -RONI

Anonymous said...

Nice story, i had the same story.... We're still best friends til now..

Anonymous said...

So touching.... ;)

darkassasin said...

heheheh nice

Anonymous said...

I could relate to this. I had the same experience. What's depressing is that we were not brave enough to admit to ourselves that we loved each other.

Anonymous said...

Dang i can't stop reading it again and again... BEST STORY I HAVE EVER READ!

~~Christian

Anonymous said...

your story reminds me of my bestfriend (happened to be my bf) but were comfortable as best friends now...keep writing dude...

Anonymous said...

noh bayan ang arte inenglish pah pd amn tagalogin

Anonymous said...

same with me, but i can say i fell in love with my friend that i met during my 1st year in college but were not talking to each other now even if we were classmate, there is some quarrel between us and it is almost a year since we did not talk to each other

Anonymous said...

one of the best stories I ever read, I do dream to have the same stories too. . . wish you luck!

Anonymous said...

such an amazing love story. 9 years? i am struck in awe. thanks for sharing this wonderful story. you give hope to those who already ran out of reasons to love.

Anonymous said...

It very good story

Anonymous said...

hope you and your best friend would still end up together! no matter how you look for someone who'll fill the gap for your best friend, no one can. he's special for you and that makes all the difference! i've got a change of mind now over computer games! what a story! hopefully, this would have a happy ending! - MC

Anonymous said...

ka relate ko brad... pwede palang mo sulti nya dli awkward afterwards....

Anonymous said...

I envy you.. Those are the memories to treasure for! I wish you a happy ending.. I wanna be in love like that way.... -PAUL

Anonymous said...

very well written. you have a nice story. i'm curious how it'll turn out. and if i may say so, i'm a bit jealous since i'm a closeted gay. i've always isolated myself from having any intimate moments with another guy. -Ian

archianers said...

You must have seen Brokeback mountain. Well, regrets are risks we didn't take. He obviously doesn't want anyone else but you. We don't have a lifetime but I hope you'll never regret this. Cheers to you two.

Anonymous said...

I wish either of you have the guts to open up. DO something to make things happen. Live without regrets. Time is ticking, it's already 2012, and the predicted end of the world is near. Goodluck =)

Anonymous said...

Touched as ever...

-Christian

Anonymous said...

A very very nice story. -kenn

daredevil07 said...

this is awesome! it only shows how love of friendship turns into another stage of relationship..more than friends less than lovers...it's not about having sexual relationship but it's about having a very good relationship with someone you really love and who loves you back despite of the conviction of the society...

Anonymous said...

Awwww... How i wish i'll also have an intimate friend when i enter college this coming AY. :") very touching... Sheeesh.. Dyak maka.getover.en!
-kim

jayr farma sandigan said...

i love the story very much...if you only knew

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